Bend and Snap
by dancingloki
Summary: "Look at my ass, look at my thighs; I'm catnip to the guys..." Steve gets caught up on a little bit of the pop culture he missed, and things end up spiraling out of control. Like everything else, it's really Tony's fault.


A/N: I'm not remotely sorry.

...

Like every other god damned thing ever, it was all Tony's fault.

At some point during his and Sam's very enthusiastic efforts to catch Steve up on modern culture, he'd decided that _Legally Blonde_ was a must-see—over Sam's objections, in point of fact, but Tony pulled seniority and overruled him.

Steve actually completely loved it. He went around for at least a week afterwards telling people how important it was not to judge people by their appearance or other superficial things, and comparing Elle to Peggy (since they had both excelled in traditionally masculine fields without either compromising their integrity or sacrificing their femininity), and how great it was to have a film that told young girls that was possible.

That wasn't the problem, of course.

Tony was so completely thrilled with Steve's response to the movie that he insisted on showing him the musical. Steve loved that too, so Tony helped him download the entire soundtrack onto the mp3 player he'd bought.

That wasn't the problem either.

The problem was that Steve started singing "Bend and Snap" under his breath as he went about his daily business at S.H.I.E.L.D.

In his defense, it was a _very_ catchy tune, the kind that sticks in your head, but still.

It took a little while for people to catch on to what he was singing. Most people assumed they couldn't be hearing what they thought they were hearing, it had to be some obscure old Army marching song. But then Steve got lost in thought after a mission debrief, and started actually _singing_ it, audibly, in the conference room.

And Natasha, who had a wicked sense of humour and was completely immune to anything resembling shame, immediately responded by performing the titular bend and snap, right then and there.

Things went downhill from there.

It was as if the song, simple, cheerful and bubbly, had some sort of mystical power to transform the Avengers team—a group of (theoretically) mature, trustworthy adults—into a group of giggling middle schoolers, completely butt-fixated.

It escalated fairly quickly. Steve was unreasonably excited by Natasha's perfect execution of the bend and snap manoeuver; so much so that she convinced him to learn it himself. Purely as an academic exercise, though, he insisted; he wasn't trying to attract any male attention.

He got some male attention anyway in the form of Bucky, who'd been given a similar crash course on pop culture courtesy of Tony and Sam after his rehabilitation and was aware of what was going on. During a particularly graceful bend, Bucky saw his chance and took it, getting a double handful of Steve's vulnerable butt with a devilish grin.

Steve jumped about a foot in the air with a very undignified squawk, and Natasha fell out of her chair onto the floor laughing.

Then a few days later, Natasha very subtly and stealthily grabbed Clint's butt during an official meeting. To his credit, he didn't even react—at least, not right away. He just sat there, with Nat squeezing his butt gently every so often and smirking to herself, gritting his teeth and plotting revenge.

He got it on their next mission. He and Natasha were sent off to help Steve with something fairly dangerous and very classified, and when the moment was right, he struck. They were lying in wait for the enemy, silent in the dark, when Natasha saw Clint reach over past her, stretching out one hand very, very carefully, to grab Steve's butt.

Steve whipped around and hissed at her, "Nat, quit kidding around! We're on a _mission_, that kind of thing could get us all killed!" She heard him grumbling under his breath as he turned back away from them. Clint smirked at her.

Things only got worse when they got back from their mission. Fury sent the three of them over to check up on some tech that Tony and Bruce were supposed to be working on. When Natasha, winking at Clint, whistled a few bars from the song, that was enough to set them off.

Tony grabbed Bruce's butt on his way across the lab, almost making him drop a beaker of sulfuric acid on the floor. Bruce made a grab at Tony's, trying to get back at him, but Tony danced out of the way just in time, and he ended up connecting with Steve's butt instead. Steve, who had been trying very hard to ignore them, was taken completely by surprise and jumped about a foot in the air again.

Bruce blushed beet red, stammering an apologetic explanation, but Steve, always on the watch for a potential unscheduled Hulkout, had already assumed the worst. In an ill-advised attempt to defuse the situation, he made a desperate and poorly planned move—at Tony's butt.

Which resulted in him standing there awkwardly with a double handful of Stark booty, as Clint and Bruce gaped in awe, and Natasha took the opportunity to snap a couple of photos with her phone. Judging by the look on Tony's face, he couldn't decide whether he was pissed, or just impressed.

A long, long moment passed. Nobody moved.

The elevator doors hissed open, and Pepper stepped briskly out, looking down at the file folder in her hand. She glanced up, and did a double take, Steve and Tony both staring at her like deer in the headlights. With a sigh, she flicked the folder shut and propped her hands on her hips, waiting for an explanation.

Another long, silent moment passed.

"Let's face it, this—" Tony began, and Pepper cut him off.

"Is not the worst thing I've caught you doing, yep. I need your signature on this and this, and I want you to read over the plans for next year's expo—actually _read_ them this time, Tony, not just tell Dummy to crinkle them up a little." She dropped the folder on the lab table with a decisive flick of her wrist.

Steve started stammering, "Pepper, I—" he realized a little too late that he still had his hands on Tony's butt, and snatched them back. "That wasn't what it looked like."

"Really?" Pepper quirked an eyebrow. "So, you didn't have your hands on my boyfriend's butt just now?"

"Um…"

She laughed. "It's fine, Steve. I'm sure he deserved it somehow." And she turned on her heel and strode back out of the room.

"You complete me!" Tony called after her, and she waved at him over her shoulder.

Things got _weird_ when Thor came back to visit. Steve, uncharacteristically playful, copped a feel off Clint without even thinking about it. Thor noticed, of course, how could he not, and he also noticed that Clint just laughed and grinned, instead of getting upset.

Naturally, he was beyond confused. Even more naturally, Natasha and her wicked sense of humour jumped to take advantage of his confusion. She quickly pulled him aside and had a hushed, hurried conversation, with Clint running interference so they weren't interrupted.

Armed with his newfound knowledge of Midgardian customs, Thor proceeded to greet every member of S.H.I.E.L.D. he encountered with the salutation Natasha had so kindly explained to him.

Agent Hill unofficially made it known that she would personally shoot anyone who explained it to him and got him to stop.

Director Fury had watched the whole thing happen from the beginning with his usual scowl, and had been heard to mutter "motherfuckers" under his breath every so often. Beyond that, he had just ignored them.

…At least until Thor came over to say hello.

Agent Hill did not follow through on her threat.


End file.
